The T Party Express just passed its last toxic dump site and now the terrain ahead is clean and smooth. My STBX (soon to be ex-husband) took possession of his new home on Tuesday and I changed our locks the same day.
His contemptuous disregard for me and my family reached its nadir this past week. Nothing can compete with his daily campaign to convince me to stop my chemotherapy so I would die sooner, thus enabling him to start his new life faster and easier with his new family and my pension. But on his way out of our lives he emptied our bank account, expected me to continue paying his bills, came home every night between 11:00pm and 1:00am only to awaken me to his verbal abuse, showed up immediately after my chemo treatment with one of his future stepsons to collect some furniture after I specifically asked him to let me rest quietly that day, left a big mess in his wake, and yet still paused long enough to mention for the umpteenth time how happy I seem that he is leaving. My son and I cannot help noticing that he who appears to be getting everything he declared he wants is acting pissed off, tormented and restless.
Yeah, I am happy or relieved or serenely grateful. As I was leaving work tonight, I thought about how not so long ago - although it feels like another lifetime - I looked forward to his nightly phone call as we sped home to be with each other again. And now I leave work with a new sense of contentment, knowing that I won't see or hear from him henceforth unless it's on my terms, too.
In July my life took an unexpected, bizarre turn. My beloved husband became a wicked stranger. After I realized that his metamorphosis was not a temporary meltdown, my feelings adjusted fairly quickly. Pain evolved into anger and a need to comprehend what was happening. Only a fool or a masochist would tolerate such behavior and I am neither.
I was fortunate to be dumped only once before, but the circumstances were completely different. That gentleman never completely let go and spent much of the next 10 years trying to keep me tied to him. I let myself remain in a state of emotional limbo, which was deeply hurtful and unsatisfying in its own way. But, oh, what bittersweet romantic angst we generated.
I loved Luis more than anyone in this world. I was not unaware of his faults, but I teased him about them and found them charming. I am far from perfect myself and thought he loved me just as unconditionally. But every awful thing he has said and done in the last four months now recasts the previous 9-plus years in a light marred by shadows and hints of trouble to come. There is nothing romantic or bittersweet about my feelings now.
He shocked everyone with his 180 degree turnaround, not just me, so I am not beating myself up over being blindsided by it. It's nigh impossible for me to remember the good times and maybe someday I will mourn their passing, but I don't trust those memories any more.
I still can't find just the right song to fit my situation. Maybe I will have to compose it myself. Tomorrow is garbage day and this week I said good riddance to bad rubbish, so Special by Garbage is appropriate enough for today.
Besides, Shirley Manson is one of the best female rock vocalists ever in the ballsy tradition of Roni Spector and Chrissie Hynde. Enjoy.
The Whole of the Moon by the Waterboys (1985).
Empty Me by Chris Sligh (2008).
So Long Self by Mercy Me (2006).
Here's Where the Story Ends by the Sundays (1990).
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).