The T Party Express just passed its last toxic dump site and now the terrain ahead is clean and smooth. My STBX (soon to be ex-husband) took possession of his new home on Tuesday and I changed our locks the same day.
His contemptuous disregard for me and my family reached its nadir this past week. Nothing can compete with his daily campaign to convince me to stop my chemotherapy so I would die sooner, thus enabling him to start his new life faster and easier with his new family and my pension. But on his way out of our lives he stole money, left me to pay his bills, came home every night between 11:00pm and 1:00am only to awaken me to his verbal abuse, showed up immediately after my chemo treatment with one of his future stepsons to collect some furniture after I specifically asked him to let me rest quietly that day, created a big mess in his wake, and yet still paused long enough to mention for the umpteenth time how happy I seem that he is leaving. My son and I cannot help noticing that he who appears to be getting everything he declared he wants is acting tormented and restless.
Yeah, I am happy or relieved or serenely grateful. As I was leaving work tonight, I thought about how not so long ago - although it feels like another lifetime - I looked forward to his nightly phone call as we sped home to be with each other again. And now I leave work with a new sense of contentment, knowing that I won't see or hear from him henceforth unless it's on my terms, too.
In July my life took an unexpected, bizarre turn. My beloved husband became a wicked stranger. After I realized that his metamorphosis was not a temporary meltdown, my feelings adjusted fairly quickly. Pain evolved into anger and a need to comprehend what was happening. Only a fool or a masochist would tolerate such behavior and I am neither.
I was fortunate to be dumped only once before, but the circumstances were completely different. That gentleman never completely let go and spent much of the next 10 years trying to keep me tied to him. I let myself remain in a state of emotional limbo, which was deeply hurtful and unsatisfying in its own way. But, oh, what bittersweet romantic angst we generated.
I loved Luis more than anyone in this world. I was not unaware of his faults, but I teased him about them and found them charming. I am far from perfect myself and thought he loved me just as unconditionally. But every awful thing he has said and done in the last four months now recasts the previous 9-plus years in a light marred by shadows and hints of trouble to come. There is nothing romantic or bittersweet about my feelings now.
He shocked everyone with his 180 degree turnaround, not just me, so I am not beating myself up over being blindsided by it. It's nigh impossible for me to remember the good times and maybe someday I will mourn their passing, but I don't trust those memories any more.
I still can't find just the right song to fit my situation. Maybe I will have to compose it myself. Tomorrow is garbage day and this week I said good riddance to bad rubbish, so Special by Garbage is appropriate enough for today.
Besides, Shirley Manson is one of the best female rock vocalists ever in the ballsy tradition of Roni Spector and Chrissie Hynde. Enjoy.
Previous stops:
The Whole of the Moon by the Waterboys (1985).
Empty Me by Chris Sligh (2008).
So Long Self by Mercy Me (2006).
Here's Where the Story Ends by the Sundays (1990).
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
T Party Express: Moon Day, Moon Day
The T Party Express has been on auto pilot while I attend to housekeeping issues. Things are looking up - and so am I. Behold the moon, for which the first day of our traditional work week was named.
In the storied history of rock music, there are epic songs that hold an almost supernatural power to command our attention. Typically, their special or momentous qualities were acknowledged by contemporaneous popular acclaim, but some of my most cherished musical treasures were and are largely unheralded.
In the 1980s, the Waterboys sprang from the Celtic folk rock tradition and achieved moderate chart success in the U.K. Their full-bodied sound, augmented by strings and horns, soared aloft the poetic lyrics of band founder Mike Scott. The Whole of the Moon from 1985 remains their signature achievement. Reportedly inspired by C.S. Lewis, the song is a lament about two people perpetually at cross purposes and works as an ode to romantic regret.
Previous stops:
Empty Me by Chris Sligh (2008).
So Long Self by Mercy Me (2006).
Here's Where the Story Ends by the Sundays (1990).
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
In the storied history of rock music, there are epic songs that hold an almost supernatural power to command our attention. Typically, their special or momentous qualities were acknowledged by contemporaneous popular acclaim, but some of my most cherished musical treasures were and are largely unheralded.
In the 1980s, the Waterboys sprang from the Celtic folk rock tradition and achieved moderate chart success in the U.K. Their full-bodied sound, augmented by strings and horns, soared aloft the poetic lyrics of band founder Mike Scott. The Whole of the Moon from 1985 remains their signature achievement. Reportedly inspired by C.S. Lewis, the song is a lament about two people perpetually at cross purposes and works as an ode to romantic regret.
Previous stops:
Empty Me by Chris Sligh (2008).
So Long Self by Mercy Me (2006).
Here's Where the Story Ends by the Sundays (1990).
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
T Party Express: So Long, Mr. Selfish
The T Party Express is chugging through the Valley of Deep Thoughts. Don't worry - we'll be out of here in no time.
The act of denying yourself or dying to self is necessary for submission to God's will. Putting your partner first is also an important element in a happy marriage. My marriage deteriorated so quickly since July because one spouse plunged willfully into an extremely selfish fantasy phase, thus renouncing every pledge he made to God and to his wife, leaving said wife with a bad case of spiritual and emotional whiplash. I can only imagine how God feels.
The good news is that, after I engaged in what politicians call opposition research, I got my STBX (soon to be ex-husband) to admit what he is doing in his parallel universe. I am by nature a dogged troubleshooter and problem solver. Exhausted by his lies, I finally put all the clues and tidbits of information together to understand why my STBX changed 180 degrees in such a short time and where it is leading him.
Can you say plop-plop-fizz-fizz? Oh, what a relief it is. I have done what I can to safeguard his soul, albeit with no apparent success, and am no longer transporting his numerous burdens on the T Party Express. I dumped them at the intersection of Mommy Issues and Self Delusion.
My faith in the act of denying yourself is steadfast as ever. Two of my favorite Contemporary Christian Music songs explain the concept better than I can.
Chris Sligh is the most talented American Idol contestant in 8 years never to make the top 5. He was my season 6 favorite and is building a solid career as a singer/songwriter in the Christian, country and pop crossover genres. His composition Empty Me explains how even the perks of fame are no substitute for God.
So Long Self by Mercy Me is a hopping, rocking tune that covers the same territory, but it contains one of my favorite lyrics that applies to my situation. Heh.
Previous stops:
Here's Where the Story Ends by the Sundays (1990).
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
The act of denying yourself or dying to self is necessary for submission to God's will. Putting your partner first is also an important element in a happy marriage. My marriage deteriorated so quickly since July because one spouse plunged willfully into an extremely selfish fantasy phase, thus renouncing every pledge he made to God and to his wife, leaving said wife with a bad case of spiritual and emotional whiplash. I can only imagine how God feels.
The good news is that, after I engaged in what politicians call opposition research, I got my STBX (soon to be ex-husband) to admit what he is doing in his parallel universe. I am by nature a dogged troubleshooter and problem solver. Exhausted by his lies, I finally put all the clues and tidbits of information together to understand why my STBX changed 180 degrees in such a short time and where it is leading him.
Can you say plop-plop-fizz-fizz? Oh, what a relief it is. I have done what I can to safeguard his soul, albeit with no apparent success, and am no longer transporting his numerous burdens on the T Party Express. I dumped them at the intersection of Mommy Issues and Self Delusion.
My faith in the act of denying yourself is steadfast as ever. Two of my favorite Contemporary Christian Music songs explain the concept better than I can.
Chris Sligh is the most talented American Idol contestant in 8 years never to make the top 5. He was my season 6 favorite and is building a solid career as a singer/songwriter in the Christian, country and pop crossover genres. His composition Empty Me explains how even the perks of fame are no substitute for God.
So Long Self by Mercy Me is a hopping, rocking tune that covers the same territory, but it contains one of my favorite lyrics that applies to my situation. Heh.
Don't feel so bad (don't feel so bad)
There'll be better days (there'll be better days)
Don't go away mad (but by all means)
Just go away, go away
Previous stops:
Here's Where the Story Ends by the Sundays (1990).
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
Sunday, November 08, 2009
T Party Express: Sundays on Sunday
It's Sunday and it's too Novemberish to eat a sundae, so let's listen to the Sundays instead.
Here's Where the Story Ends transports me back to 1990 and a relationship that supposedly ended the previous summer, except that a certain someone wouldn't commit to leaving or staying. I cranked it up whenever he was around.
He got the message but chose to ignore it.
Still, this is a lovely, forlorn little song from the transitional period between New Wave and Alternative. Enjoy.
Previous stops:
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
Here's Where the Story Ends transports me back to 1990 and a relationship that supposedly ended the previous summer, except that a certain someone wouldn't commit to leaving or staying. I cranked it up whenever he was around.
He got the message but chose to ignore it.
Still, this is a lovely, forlorn little song from the transitional period between New Wave and Alternative. Enjoy.
Previous stops:
Broken by Lighthouse (2009).
God Shaped Hole by Plumb (1999).
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
Saturday, November 07, 2009
T Party Express: Broken but Not Broke Down
Broken is the latest single by Lifehouse. I prefer the original below to the official radio version.
Lifehouse has a knack for penning lyrics that have crossover appeal, working in the secular as well as sacred sense. My SBTX (soon to be ex-husband) relates to the story of a wretched sinner who lost his way. We are all like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. If we are lucky or wise, we understand that the world cannot put us back together again.
God Shaped Hole by Plumb mirrors Broken in its message and availability in alternate versions, albeit in a snappier, bouncier way. The song was first featured on the soundtrack of Bruce Almighty, but a 2010 retake is getting some radio airplay. Here is the original.
Previous stops:
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
Lifehouse has a knack for penning lyrics that have crossover appeal, working in the secular as well as sacred sense. My SBTX (soon to be ex-husband) relates to the story of a wretched sinner who lost his way. We are all like Humpty Dumpty after the fall. If we are lucky or wise, we understand that the world cannot put us back together again.
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm handin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
God Shaped Hole by Plumb mirrors Broken in its message and availability in alternate versions, albeit in a snappier, bouncier way. The song was first featured on the soundtrack of Bruce Almighty, but a 2010 retake is getting some radio airplay. Here is the original.
Previous stops:
The Thrill Is Gone by B.B. King (1970).
Love and Regret by Deacon Blue (1989).
Real Gone Kid by Deacon Blue (1989).
My Book by the Beautiful South (1990).
A Little Time by the Beautiful South (1990).
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars (2005).
This Woman's Work by Kate Bush (1989).
Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division (1980).
Reptile by the Church (1988).
Accidents Will Happen by Elvis Costello (1979).
Tears Run Rings by Marc Almond (1987).
Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984).
Love Lies Bleeding by Elton John (1973).
Last Time Forever by Squeeze (1985).
Conjure Me by the Afghan Whigs (1992).
Debonair by the Afghan Whigs (1993).
Hallelujah by Jason Castro (2009).
Total Recall by the Sound (1985).
Fly by Jars of Clay (2002).
Train in Vain by the Clash (1980).
It's My Life by Talk Talk (1984).
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