Idolspeak Decoded

A few readers have questioned my ability to divine the innermost thoughts of the American Idol host, judges and production team. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, as somebody said, and I appreciate all feedback, adoring and otherwise. But no one can dispute the telepathic powers of the ring.

Lord, no, not that ring. I mean the magic decoder ring that comes free in marked boxes of American Idol Granola Flakes, which is available in two varieties: Simon Cowell’s sugar free or Paula Abdul’s honey nut. You can pick one up at your nearest dollar store, wear the ring on Tuesday nights, and spend an hour in my shoes.

Or, on second thought, you can read on. This is starting to smell like the final year of American Idol, so why keep secrets? Just use this handy translation guide and you too can become an insufferable know-it-all.

Ryan Seacrest: "People, vote for your favorites."
Translation: We see the voting results. Your favorites are our favorites.

Ryan Seacrest: "People, vote for the best performers."
Translation: We see the voting results. You people are out of your freakin’ minds.

Ryan Seacrest 2004: "Contestant A, go stand with the top three."
Translation: Our favorites are in this week's bottom three. Go stand with them to show America who clearly deserves to be in the top three.

Ryan Seacrest 2005: "Contestant X, go stand with the top three."
Translation: Our favorites are in this week's top three. Go stand with them to show America that our favorites are obviously the best performers.

Ryan Seacrest: "Contestant X, you don’t really want to guess the top three, do you?"
Translation: I am such a toady. I loathe myself.

Ryan Seacrest: "America, this is your bottom three [contestants X, Y and Z]. If you want contestant X to stick around, you have to vote."
Translation: What do we have to do to get you people to vote for X? Whatever it is, we’ll do it.

Ryan Seacrest to contestant Y: "[Silence]"
Translation: America, why is Y still in the competition? You people are out of your freakin’ minds. What do we have to do to get you people to vote for X instead? Whatever it is, we’ll do it.

Ryan Seacrest to contestant Z: "Goodbye, Z. Your American Idol journey is over. Here’s a microphone. Now sing."
Translation: What do we have to do to keep X from leaving? Whatever it is, we’ll do it.

Ryan Seacrest: "Contestant B, this week you are safe. How do you feel about that when the judges didn’t think it was your best performance?"
Translation: Contestant B is not one of our favorites. You people are out of your freakin’ minds. Pay attention to what the judges say.

Simon Cowell: "It’s your contest to lose."
Translation: You are the one I want signed to my label.

Simon Cowell: "You are the contestant to beat."
Translation: Forget what I said before. I have.

Simon Cowell: "You reminded me of a midget acrobat in a Bangkok hotel."
Translation: I wish I were in Thailand right now.

Simon Cowell: "You look like you’re wearing my grandmother’s housedress."
Translation: Sex appeal sells, but you’re not going to make it easy for us.

Simon Cowell: "I wish I could be your microphone."
Translation: I’ve just made an inappropriate come-on to a contestant in front of my girlfriend, the ABC news division and millions of viewers, and I don’t care.

Simon Cowell: "I hardly know what to say."
Translation: I know what to say, but the producers won’t let me.

Simon Cowell to a performer he doesn’t like: "That was strictly karaoke."
Translation: You gave a note-by-note performance of a stupid song. Go away.

Simon Cowell to a favorite who gave a note-by-note performance: "That was brilliant."
Translation: You are the one I want signed to my label.

Randy Jackson: "It was only a’ ‘ight."
Translation: I don’t understand why you’re still here, but I’ll leave the insults to Cowell.

Randy Jackson: "It wasn’t your best performance."
Translation: I like you, but you sucked. I hope Cowell doesn’t say you should go.

Randy Jackson 2002-2004: "I wasn’t feeling you."
Translation: I like you, but you sucked. I hope Cowell doesn’t say you should go.

Randy Jackson 2005: "I wasn’t feeling you."
Translation: I never did anything inappropriate and that’s what you’re going to tell Primetime Live, right?

Randy Jackson: "Dude, you in my dawg pound."
Translation: So was Ruben Studdard and he became top dawg.

Randy Jackson: "Dude, you know you’re in my dawg pound, but …"
Translation: You are one week away from euthanasia.

Paula Abdul: "[…]"
Translation for anything she says this season: Somebody help me.