Top 6 Signs of American Idol End Times

Here are the Top 6 signs during Top 6 week that these are the end times for American Idol:

6. Phone numbers for voting were changed to the 666 area code.

5. Flat humor by host Ryan Seacrest inspires a national campaign to bring back Brian Dunkelman.

4. Randy Jackson, briefly the touring bassist with Journey, is now the final authority on who is a true rocker.

3. Flubbing the official talking points, Simon Cowell tells the judges’ favorite contestant that his performance, only the second of the night, was the absolute best of the show … so far.

2. The judges’ favorite dresses like a Deadhead delegate to the Green Party convention.

And the number 1 sign that these are the end times for American Idol:

1. Paula Abdul is the fairest, most coherent judge.

Idolspeak Decoded

A few readers have questioned my ability to divine the innermost thoughts of the American Idol host, judges and production team. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, as somebody said, and I appreciate all feedback, adoring and otherwise. But no one can dispute the telepathic powers of the ring.

Lord, no, not that ring. I mean the magic decoder ring that comes free in marked boxes of American Idol Granola Flakes, which is available in two varieties: Simon Cowell’s sugar free or Paula Abdul’s honey nut. You can pick one up at your nearest dollar store, wear the ring on Tuesday nights, and spend an hour in my shoes.

Or, on second thought, you can read on. This is starting to smell like the final year of American Idol, so why keep secrets? Just use this handy translation guide and you too can become an insufferable know-it-all.

Ryan Seacrest: "People, vote for your favorites."
Translation: We see the voting results. Your favorites are our favorites.

Ryan Seacrest: "People, vote for the best performers."
Translation: We see the voting results. You people are out of your freakin’ minds.

Ryan Seacrest 2004: "Contestant A, go stand with the top three."
Translation: Our favorites are in this week's bottom three. Go stand with them to show America who clearly deserves to be in the top three.

Ryan Seacrest 2005: "Contestant X, go stand with the top three."
Translation: Our favorites are in this week's top three. Go stand with them to show America that our favorites are obviously the best performers.

Ryan Seacrest: "Contestant X, you don’t really want to guess the top three, do you?"
Translation: I am such a toady. I loathe myself.

Ryan Seacrest: "America, this is your bottom three [contestants X, Y and Z]. If you want contestant X to stick around, you have to vote."
Translation: What do we have to do to get you people to vote for X? Whatever it is, we’ll do it.

Ryan Seacrest to contestant Y: "[Silence]"
Translation: America, why is Y still in the competition? You people are out of your freakin’ minds. What do we have to do to get you people to vote for X instead? Whatever it is, we’ll do it.

Ryan Seacrest to contestant Z: "Goodbye, Z. Your American Idol journey is over. Here’s a microphone. Now sing."
Translation: What do we have to do to keep X from leaving? Whatever it is, we’ll do it.

Ryan Seacrest: "Contestant B, this week you are safe. How do you feel about that when the judges didn’t think it was your best performance?"
Translation: Contestant B is not one of our favorites. You people are out of your freakin’ minds. Pay attention to what the judges say.

Simon Cowell: "It’s your contest to lose."
Translation: You are the one I want signed to my label.

Simon Cowell: "You are the contestant to beat."
Translation: Forget what I said before. I have.

Simon Cowell: "You reminded me of a midget acrobat in a Bangkok hotel."
Translation: I wish I were in Thailand right now.

Simon Cowell: "You look like you’re wearing my grandmother’s housedress."
Translation: Sex appeal sells, but you’re not going to make it easy for us.

Simon Cowell: "I wish I could be your microphone."
Translation: I’ve just made an inappropriate come-on to a contestant in front of my girlfriend, the ABC news division and millions of viewers, and I don’t care.

Simon Cowell: "I hardly know what to say."
Translation: I know what to say, but the producers won’t let me.

Simon Cowell to a performer he doesn’t like: "That was strictly karaoke."
Translation: You gave a note-by-note performance of a stupid song. Go away.

Simon Cowell to a favorite who gave a note-by-note performance: "That was brilliant."
Translation: You are the one I want signed to my label.

Randy Jackson: "It was only a’ ‘ight."
Translation: I don’t understand why you’re still here, but I’ll leave the insults to Cowell.

Randy Jackson: "It wasn’t your best performance."
Translation: I like you, but you sucked. I hope Cowell doesn’t say you should go.

Randy Jackson 2002-2004: "I wasn’t feeling you."
Translation: I like you, but you sucked. I hope Cowell doesn’t say you should go.

Randy Jackson 2005: "I wasn’t feeling you."
Translation: I never did anything inappropriate and that’s what you’re going to tell Primetime Live, right?

Randy Jackson: "Dude, you in my dawg pound."
Translation: So was Ruben Studdard and he became top dawg.

Randy Jackson: "Dude, you know you’re in my dawg pound, but …"
Translation: You are one week away from euthanasia.

Paula Abdul: "[…]"
Translation for anything she says this season: Somebody help me.

Bo Is Back: A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a Tuesday evening in 2004, a group of aspiring superstars gathered for Big Band Night, a slice of Americana. Although the genre was challenging and mostly unfamiliar to the teenagers and twentysomethings, they sang their hearts out. Near the end of the show, the host introduced the final performer by posing the question, "Have we saved the best for last?" Then the judges’ early favorite appeared and sang . . . a big band song from the 1930s? A big band song from the 1940s? A big band song from the 1950s?

Nope. The song was Queen’s 1979 Britpop classic, Crazy Little Thing Called Love, as performed by Fantasia Barrino with a be-bop arrangement. We may never know if Fantasia can sing big band style, but clearly her protectors in the control booth didn’t dare take a chance and the grand finale treatment she received guaranteed that voters could not forget her that evening.

Fast forward one year to ‘70s Dance Music Night, usually called Disco Night but not this time for reasons that are now obvious. Although the genre was challenging and mostly unfamiliar to the youngsters, they sang their hearts out. Near the end of the show, the host introduced the final performer. Then the judges’ early favorite appeared and sang . . . Vehicle by the Ides of March.

Vehicle was a one-hit wonder when I was in middle school. Yes, I was a kid then, but I attended every school dance, every church dance and every dance in my friend Jeanne’s garage. I was a dancing fool from the age of 3 and I will swear on a stack of old vinyl records that I never danced to Vehicle. If that is dance music, then so is everything by Chicago and Steely Dan and so is that campy ‘70s song, Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl), which I bet Bo Bice could sing really well but, dear God, don’t let him try.

The good news is that Bo Bice avoided vehicular manslaughter. The Bo we missed – self-assured and soulful – returned in excellent form. I am thrilled for Bo, for his fans, and for the AI4 competition, which would be poorer without the talented Mr. Bice. Happiest of all are the Idol puppeteers, who will be richer with the marketable Mr. Bice under contract.

Puppeteers? Oops! If your illusions that American Idol is a fair, equitable contest are intact, by all means stop reading. Pay no attention to the men behind the curtain. Just because I feel like someone pissed in my Grape Nuts doesn’t mean that I want to spoil everyone else’s delight in Bo’s triumph, of which he deserves to be proud. I hope this is the first of many more weeks of Bo-mentum.

Here’s my complaint. Until this week, I thought AI4 was relatively free of the backstage machinations that ruined AI3 and tainted AI2. Every season the idiots-in-charge, most visibly Simon Cowell, identify their American idol early and shepherd him or her through the competition. This year judges blatantly singled out Bo and Carrie Underwood as their favorites, but I thought they criticized the darling duo judiciously, so to speak, when their performances fell short. A good sign, I thought.

I know Simon is not on the Constantine Maroulis bandwagon, but last week I noticed that Constantine performed in the desirable grand finale slot, which I assumed was an acknowledgement of his enormous fan base. I interpreted that as a refreshing change from AI2 when the AI team actively thwarted the Clay Aiken phenomenom. Another good sign.

A twice-burned skeptic, I swore after last year’s debacle that I would never get invested in this Idol game again. I have not missed an episode of AI4, but part of me has remained detached. Nevertheless, I have been dazzled by the talent and riveted by what seemed like the fairest contest thus far in the franchise.

This week’s voting is over and I assume that Bo will live to sing another Tuesday. Stupidly, the results have been manipulated again. With their heavy-handed favoritism, the puppeteers have unwittingly harmed their favorite again. The contestant who leaves this week and viewers who care about the integrity of the competition may rightly feel slighted and cheated.

Ironically, the root problem is not Bo Bice’s professionalism as a performer, which is already established. The problem as always is the artificial push for diversity of style to make Idol television more entertaining. The reality is that contestants become insider favorites because they can fit a specific, marketable niche, not for their mastery on Big Band or Disco/‘70s Dance Nights. Each performer’s style becomes his or her trademark. Clay Aiken is a great example of a niche singer and his career has not suffered for it.

Bo knows his niche and I wish him infinite success. I doubt Bo knew that Vehicle would be a dance genre anomaly and in no way do I blame him for selecting a song from the list he was given that best showcased his strengths. I hope the foolish behind-the-scenes machinations are a one-show anomaly.

Before Tuesday's show I asked, "Does Bo care enough?" Now the larger question is, "Does the American Idol team care enough about the audience and their franchise to forego additional unwanted intervention?" We shall see.

Bo Knows – But Does He Care Enough?

Have you ever cared about someone with a problem who was deep in denial? No matter how much you try to help him change, you cannot force him to address or even acknowledge the problem. He has to want to change at least as much as you want him to or it will never happen.

That is the stalemate in which I find myself as a Bo Bice fan. When Wednesday night’s voting results placed Bo shockingly in the bottom three, he acted like it was no big deal. He actually shrugged off his American Idol experience as a bet he made with his mother.

Does he not remember LaToya London? You know, the AI3 contestant who sustained a self-inflicted wound when she shot off her mouth. Like Bo, she was an early front-runner lauded as a polished performer. Such a memory lapse is understandable since LaToya was voted off shockingly earlier than many of us expected – exactly one week after voting results placed her in the bottom three to which she flippantly responded by suggesting it was no big deal. Her attitude might or might not have suppressed votes from her loyal fans, but clearly it convinced the crucial remainder of the voting public that she was no big deal. Get it?

Since Wednesday I’ve been listening to some of Bo’s AI performances. On Drift Away and especially Spinning Wheel, two of his best, he was confident, charismatic and compelling. Both songs feature catchy pop melodies in his mid-range where he is strongest vocally. He seems not to fare as well with repetitive lyrics or bluesy lines that he tends to shout. Performing Spinning Wheel, the best showcase for his strengths thus far, he prowled the stage as if he owned it and growled like the king of the jungle.

Whatever he had then, it seems like he lost or forgot it. Randy Jackson thinks it is confidence. I suspect it is confidence, but his passion and desire also disappeared around the same time.

Maybe he bought into the Dueling Rockers gimmick. Last season the idiots-in-charge tried to sell us the Three Divas, but that ruse flopped almost immediately. The audience is smart enough to distinguish between Bo and Constantine Maroulis and, for that matter, Bo and all the others. To whatever degree Constantine is successful, it doesn’t come automatically at Bo’s expense.

Paula Abdul reminded the performers that the best among them do not have to collect the highest vote totals to earn a chance in the recording industry. Throughout the top 24 finals, Simon Cowell has shown more interest in signing both Bo and Carrie Underwood to contracts than their competitors and obviously no more than one of them can win the contest. Clay Aiken must be an amazing teacher to get Simon to learn the limited value of the AI victory.

Bo probably needs to stick around Idol-Land a few weeks longer if he wants a big league singing career and he definitely has to want it for himself at least as much as we want it for him. Otherwise, why would Simon or any of the Simons invest the considerable effort and capital it takes to make a hit in this age of free and cheap downloads?

Bo is the only one who knows if something changed. He is the only one who can change it back. Like any problem, you start by taking one step in the right direction. So, as Bo prepares for next Tuesday’s show, he should try to keep it simple.

At this stage, one performance alone may not win Bo the contest or that recording contract. One confident, compelling performance, however, will make potential fans like me want to vote and buy him another week in the competition. That is, if Bo wants to succeed at the American Idol game. Maybe he truly is as indifferent as his comments indicate. Or maybe, like Mario Vazquez, he has a different agenda.

Come Tuesday I’ll be taking my cue from Bo.

It's the Talent, Stupid!

If you missed Fantasia Barrino’s return to American Idol during last week’s results show, I can report that success has not changed the reigning champ. She still looks like Chris Tucker and sounds like Macy Gray in a choir robe, two strikes against her for me. The third strike was the way the judges effectively ruined her and the entire AI3 competition by neglecting other talented contestants while heaping inordinate praise upon Fantasia too early and never critiquing her bad habits, i.e. vocal strain and throwaway gospel filler. Nevertheless I like her video for Truth Is, which hints at new maturity as a singer and encouraged my false hope that she has grown similarly as a live performer.

Since I completed chemotherapy sixteen months ago, periodically I see, smell, taste or think of something that takes me instantly back to that awful time and induces an involuntary full-body shudder. Now, I’m not saying that hearing Fantasia’s tiresome screech and watching the judges beam like proud parents last Wednesday was as sickening as a chemo flashback, but it sure elicited some unpleasant memories I prefer not to revisit.

These contract-mandated visits also serve as benchmarks to help us chart the show’s progress or lack thereof. The contrast to years past made me appreciate our current contestants all the more and helped me understand what is so different about American Idol 4. For example, one big complaint last year was the youth of some controversial contestants. Instead of raising the minimum age limit to 18, as many viewers requested, the powers-that-be raised the maximum limit to 28. Some of this year’s most popular performers would have been ineligible under the old rules. That was an unexpected change that produced immediate dividends.

Perhaps the biggest viewer complaints last year, including mine, were about the behavior of judges, specifically Sideshow Simon Cowell. Throughout the first three seasons, for better or worse, Simon has been the face of American Idol.

This year the face of the show is Talent.

Talent has always been the soul and saving grace of American Idol. But, until this year, it was talent as defined primarily by Simon Cowell. When we first met Simon in season one, he sported the freshest mouth and snottiest attitude since Anne "Weakest Link" Robinson. The Idol chatter around Simon multiplied exponentially during season two, which owed much of its success to the banter between Simon and Clay Aiken. Season three was a mess of diva egos overfed by Simon and fan bases rebelling against Simon.

Simon still holds the power to intimidate but not so much to influence. Really, hasn’t the pause in front of the judges’ dais become less of a forced march to the firing squad and more of a quick breather for contestants before they solicit phone votes? Although his commentary can be as snarky and smarmy as ever, now there’s a musical muzzle to drown Simon out like he’s just another awards show blabbermouth instead of a founding pillar of the franchise. In four seasons he has devolved from idol maker to fangless figurehead.

Last year some of us begged Randy Jackson to improve his communication skills. This year Randy is the most (only?) improved judge, offering more coherent criticism and finally forming complete sentences. I just wanted Paula Abdul to leave but not on a stretcher. Poor thing, she could not be more sugary or glazed over if she were a Krispy Kreme doughnut. I hope she’s okay.

Whether it’s due to talent in ascendancy or judges in free fall, this season the talent commands our attention. With so many talented contestants at this juncture, none can afford another weak performance. And the difference between a good performance and a compelling performance is selecting the right song to showcase one’s strengths.

Take Anthony Federov. Before Tuesday, I would have said, "Take Anthony Federov. Please." Then Anthony gave a surprisingly authoritative rendition of Every Time You Go Away that won me over. He injected elements of rock and soul and showed us more of his smooth moves. Anthony’s flaw has been blandness and he countered it appealingly. I played several video highlights for my husband, Luis, who attends work meetings most Tuesday evenings, and he was quite impressed by Anthony’s performance. Luis predicted great things for Clay Aiken just from his audition clip.

Luis was blown away by Constantine Maroulis, whom he has not really seen since January. Constantine was absolutely audacious to attempt Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, probably considered musical royalty by Simon whose response was, "Astonishing!" That may not have been an endorsement, but it should have been. Constantine instinctively knows which songs showcase his strengths and I’m starting to think he can sing anything compellingly.

That’s how I used to feel about Anwar Robinson. He has all the mechanics a great singer needs. I bet he can sing jazz, scat, even opera. He’s a beautiful man, but he’s just not that interesting to watch.

Carrie Underwood rocked out on Love Is a Battlefield, a welcome departure from her usual clean, controlled performances. She looked hot, she strutted, she sounded earthy and sloppy in a really good way. But that permanently fixed expression she wears reminded me of the B word. No, I mean Botox. How can she sing with such power and emotion and yet her face is always frozen?

Does Bo Bice have a fear of success? He must still be picking songs off a list blindfolded. My husband laughed – hooted, really – as he watched Free Bird. If there were an award for worst song selection, Bo would win walking away. Unless his fan base is more devoted than Anthony’s, I suspect he will be walking away sooner rather than later. Such a waste.

Scott Savol probably bought more time for Bo by picking the right song but the wrong key, a distinction without much difference at this point when he is already a marked man. In some ways, Scott is as polarizing as Fantasia. He elicits strong reactions from viewers who either like him a lot, as I do, or don’t get him at all. He does old school R&B with a big, lazy vibrato that I will miss.

Back when Bo was good, I didn’t pay much notice to Vonzell Solomon and she snuck up on me slowly. Now I think she’s just about the most likable, reliable AI4 performer. She is a solid balladeer who tackles challenging songs with deceptive ease. I wonder if viewers fully realize how difficult that is to achieve and if her soft persona gets lost among the powerhouses.

Nadia Turner is an always-interesting performer who chose another forgettable song and no doubt it will cost her consideration as a serious contender, as will her emphasis on style over substance. I suspect the day is fast approaching when she will be eliminated and Anthony will stay, and I was dreading that day until their respective performances this week flipped my preferences. That is an indication that this competition remains fluid from week to week.

Anything is possible for the talented seven who return next week.